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Archive for July, 2008

I think that the time has come to end this trying to conceive page. I wish everyone the best of luck in their endeavour to make babies but I will not continue to live this lie. I am going to keep doing on our adoption mission and if magic happens with a natural baby that would be great but I’m no longer holding my breath. I need to breath.

So I will be keeping an eye on you all but from my other adoption blog. Please keep in contact with me as I love all of you guys, just wish we were able to meet in real life instead of always cyberspace.

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I think it might be time to amalgamate my 2 blogs since I am not actively trying to naturally fall pregnant and the chances of us undergoing IVF is slim to none. I think the only way we are going to have a baby in our lives is through adoption or via family and friends. Last night I had a bit of a tear, my sister in-law told me about one of her friends, Ms R’s sister in-law finally having a live birth. Ms R’s sister in-law has had 5 miscarriages and a still borne. This time they put a stitch in and didn’t take it out until after she had a c-section. Last time they took it out the baby was still borne so no chances this time. It has taken them 23 years to have a live baby. Its fantastic. When Ms R turned up for my niece, Miss C’s birthday last night she was telling us about it and then she looked at me and said. ‘And all I could do was think of you’ That got a bit of a tear up I can tell you. I then went on to say, well I think it is a lost cause and that’sit for me, the then jumped on the band wagon of never give up hope and my sister in-law wants a niece or nephew. Just don’t think it is naturally going to happen. I do believe that since we can not save money to save our own lives, then IVF is out of the picture. It just isn’t going to happen. The sooner I get my head around this, the happier D and I will be.

Of course in my heart of hearts I really want this thing to work, these magic multivitamins but I can’t see it. Maybe if I had never heard the doctor say D’s semen was incompetent then maybe I would have a hope, if only when we IVF they didn’t have to do ICSI, I could have some hope, but if they can’t swim into the egg in the small confines of the petri dish, what hope does my eggs have in my tubes? 

Anyway, I have received heaps of papers to do for the adoption, I then think is it all worth this crap we have to go through to get a baby that we then have to share with the birth mother anyway. I do wish that closed adoptions were still around! (sorry to any adoptees that may be reading, I know you like to know who your birth parents are but I am selfish and want the baby all to my self)

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Another new day or month has dawned.

Yesterday marked the arrival of the witch, named Aunt Flo. She is the most unwelcomeguest at many the homes but especially this one. So we continue to pop the pills and hope with all our hearts that maybe next month. Really how long can I go along in this denial that is my life, thinking that these pills will be the one thing to change everything? The one thing that can stop us from having to do IVF? Why don’t I just deal with this and realise that it is not going to happen naturally and save myself this heart break? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not getting depressed or anything, just waking up, all but slowly to the fact that no matter how many pills, how many white witch spells, no matter how many physic’s tell me about the kids I will have, it ain’t happening naturally. 

If I could just let this go, where would that take my life? My last waking moment won’t be spent thinking about what day it is, counting on my fingers how many days sine O. I life would be empty, just like it is now, except for D of course. What would all this life have been for if not to finally bring kids into this world. What lesson do I have to learn before it can finally happen, when can I us the term ‘family’ when talking about my home, instead of the word ‘couple’?

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Update

well I took both of the pooch’s reluctantly to the shelter, got mum to help me ……………….. was hoping she would keep them and I think that if I had taken them to her house the night before that probably would have happened, however, once there the shelter scanned them and they were both chipped so possibly would be able to contact the owners. I might call them today to find out if they did, even though they told me to wait 8 days before ringing.

Thanks for your kind comments about the dog thing, its just something that I do, all of the time which drives my family nuts. But I think that, if my dogs were to get out and be on a road, I would hope that someone would pick them up before they were lost forever. However I would have a collar and name tag on mine! Oh and of course mine wouldn’t be out …………………. but there has been that occasion when we just moved to this house when they got out of our yard and lucky that they are chipped as they were caught chasing and playing with the kids at the school around from home. One prompt call from Central Animal Records and they were back home with me.

I have also picked up a dog coming back from a work meeting with a colleague in a work vehicle that was about to make its way onto a business freeway. he was taken to the shelter and reunited with his owner that same day.

UPDATED UPDATE

Checked with the shelter today and found that they did contact the owners who were thrilled to have the pooches back. It seems that they have been on quite a journey as they came from a suburb some 30 minutes DRIVE away and have been missing for a fairly long time! Its amazing that they stuck together through all this time.

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Of course when you live in my mind there is only 1 thing to do.

That’s why I am always prepared for it.

What is it you may ask?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 Little puppies running down the side of a busy road! That is my worst nightmare. I MUST stop, its built into my brain, no matter how dangerous the situation, no matter what type of dog.

I MUST STOP.

So after doing a U turn, and going around a another round about to be on the right side of the road ……………………………………….. after a little coaxing and allot of bluster from both of the tiniest pooches, having aanother girl round up the back and a pack of 3 strange boys round up the side, we got both of them successfully. Then of course what to do with them?? To late to take them to a shelter, will have to take them home, of course. Talked to mum as an option to leave them at her place for the night. BUT can’t do that, I’m in love already.

As you are all aware I already have a permit to have 3 dogs and I already have 3 dogs, so that’s not going to work. What’s a girl to do??? So after putting on my brand new doona cover and nice new pillow cases, the idea was to lock them into one of our back bedrooms. That didn’t work because they just cried for me. Hours before they were sitting up on the couch lapping up the attention I was giving them. The only one of my dogs that was in the house was Miss Becky, she’s small and not to intimidating, tried to let in Miss Molly and Master Humphrey but Master Humphrey thought they were dessert, so he had to be locked out until bed time. So of course then ended up sleeping in my bedroom, I put in a doona for them to sleep on the floor, but that didn’t work and they sleep on the bed all night. Except when D turned over and knocked them to the floor – they are so light you can’t even feel them on the bed, not like our HUGE dogs – this morning this is 2 spots of blood on the sheet and pillow case, so now my thoughts are that the female – little silky terrier is in season and the poodle male is in love. So now I wonder if they were indeed together from the start of if she only got out because of him or vise verse? Either way, neither have a collar and the poodle is in dire need of a good clip. I wanted to do it but thought I really shouldn’t since I am taking them to a shelter, how will his family find him if he has had a full clip? But I must say if I didn’t already have 3 dogs, one of which wants to eat them both, I would have them in a heart beat. If I knew where the camera was I would take a photo for you, but then if I have them on my blog I will fret for them as well in the future.

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Ahhhh

 

So today there has been some movement on our application for infant adoption. Finally feel like we are getting some where.

As for this cycle, well we have done everything I think we could. As you know we really don’t have a plan as such, just baby dancing when we can, taking our vitamins religiously, I did pee on a ovulation stick and think the baby dancing should have been on time, but I don’t think that the vitamins would have done any magic yet.

I did also buy a fertility charm from a lady in the UK who practices magik and have just recently gotten her to make me a bracelet which I am yet to receive which she has made to order and she as even made something for D to wear as well although think that will be a bit hard to get him to do. He really isn’t a ‘believer’ but is happy to indulge me in some things but this will be a bit over the top for him. Today is day 24 in our cycle and I really do not know when to expect AF since she was really strange last month with her 36 day cycle. Anyway, not expecting a miracle but happy to just let it go with the flow and just be happy to be able to relax and get back to just being happy with D and our fur babies. Its funny really, some times I am sitting on the couch and I look at him and think, could I just be happy with US, and the answer is sometimes at least, YES. Other times it feels unbearable to know that it may never happen for us. Do others go between these 2 evils? I sometime think that the only reason why we want children is because some greater God won’t let us. And of course we don’t like anyone telling us we can’t have something we think we want.

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So today I am back on line. Thank God. I was losing track of all of my cyber friends 😦

I have a lot of catching up to do so bear with me while I read every ones blogs and hopefully I will start to comment real soon.

I am so looking forward to my Sunday morning, being up at the crack of dawn and having something to do other than the washing or other house work. While D is at work at night, my trusty cyber friends will be here to stop me going insane.

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